Love used to be so simple.  On Valentine’s day, you buy a gift, write a card, have a nice dinner, and voila – you’ve scored enough brownie points with your loved one to last till next year.

Fast forward to 21st century Asia and there are more Valentine-related events than you can shake a stick at – in 2010, there’s Valentine’s Day on February 14, Chinese Valentine’s Day on February 28, and White Valentine’s Day on March 14.

Thankfully, even though events celebrating love may have gotten more complicated, the basic principles governing attraction and rejection have not.  Here are a few tips to get you through the season of love:

LAWS OF ATTRACTION

You know yourself best when it comes to “sending out the vibe”.  Some girls fare better playing it cool.  Others who have a bubbly character exude confidence by being friendly and spreading sunshine.  Pick an approach that suits your personality.

Regardless of your style, two things always work – smiling and making eye contact.  Both of these “weapons of love” tell others that you are confident of yourself.  The opposite is also true – the failure to do these two things can make you feel and look awkward.  I have a female friend who insists that she is better at attracting male attention when playing it cool.  But her version of “cool” is smiling for a split second and avoiding the gaze of men altogether.  Instead of looking sultry and mysterious, she comes off as the nervous girl with a facial tick who left her contact lenses at home.

Whether you are deep in conversation with a guy or just catch a glimpse of him from across the room, combine eye contact and a smile and you’ll find yourself the center of attention for the rest of the night.

NJTRF TIP:  If you are talking to someone, maintain eye contact at all times.  If this feels awkward, take your eyes off the other person for a second and look at his lips before re-establishing eye contact.  This also helps you listen to what he is saying.  Avoid looking over his shoulders because this can be misinterpreted as disinterest.  If you are trying to send out the vibe across the bar or across the room, “ideal” eye contact is about one-third of a second.  Try it!  Practice makes perfect.

UM, NO THANKS.  I’LL PASS…

Maybe he has bad teeth.  Maybe he’s too full of himself.  Or maybe he talks about his mother just enough to make him creepy.  Whatever the reason, it’s not easy to reject someone whom you’ve just met, especially if that person is not a random stranger (e.g.,  At a cocktail party, Jennifer introduces Jim to her friend Rachel).

Rejecting someone is not easy and the best thing to do is to be direct and polite.  You can be direct in the following way – if the chemistry’s not right after a few minutes, just say, “Jim, it’s been nice talking with you.  Have a good night.  Bye.”  A slightly less harsh version would be “Jim, it’s been nice talking with you but I have to join my friends now.  Bye.”

Don’t belittle and resist being rude, even though many guys whom you meet in places like bars can be overbearing and rude themselves.  Think about it this way – if you are polite and charming even in your rejection, it only makes a guy feel worse that he missed out on a great girl.  Don’t give him an excuse to badmouth you by saying something like, “Ah, she was a grinch and I didn’t like her anyway”.

NJTRF TIP:  Don’t reject a guy by saying, “I have to go to the bathroom” or “I’m going to the bar to get a drink”.  Believe it or not, desperate guys can be very persistent and some of these fellas will interpret your shrug-off as the perfect excuse to come with you.  The last thing you want to hear from a guy you’re trying to get away from is, “Oh great, I’m heading to the bar too.  Let me buy you a drink!”

KEEP IT LIGHT

When making small talk, keep the subjects light and fun.  Talk about hobbies, what you do in your spare time, travel, and current entertainment news.  If you’re stuck, talk about the weather.

Stay away from weighty subjects, even if they mean a lot to you.  For instance, you might have made up your mind that you will not date another man who does not want to have children.  That’s fine.  But don’t “Spanish inquisition” a guy you’re meeting for the first time at a friend’s birthday party.  Instead, wait for a first or second date to probe him on more serious subjects like his views on raising a family.  Other no-no subjects when meeting someone for the first time include marriage, politics, religion, and serious illnesses.

NJTRF TIP:  Be confident and he’ll be confident back.  I often hear Asian women complain that Asian men lack confidence but I should point out that the onus to be confident falls on both parties.  Best pick-up line by a girl: “Hi, I’m Rachel!” + smile + eye contact.

Cut him some slack this Valentine’s Day since February 14 is also the first day of the lunar New Year.  If he has to spend time with family, celebrate your love on another day.  If he invites you to join his family’s spring celebration, assess whether you are at that point in your relationship.  Although it might be flattering to receive an invitation to meet the folks, you don’t want to be caught off-guard; lunar New Year celebrations can be formal, overwhelming, and family-centric with layers and layers of uncles, cousins, and other distant relatives.  The best excuse for not attending – you have to spend time with your family.

Have fun this Valentine’s season.  If you find love, be sure to check back and share your comments!

Desmond So is Founder and Chief Consultant of Not Just The Right Fork, a Hong Kong-based consulting company that teaches individuals and businesses how to build confidence through the practice of etiquette.